holiday break & random thoughts...

photo source

My holiday break has begun! On Friday night, we drove to O'Hare Airport in Chicago to pick up my sister who flew in from D.C. Yesterday we celebrated my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary (amazing!!!) with lots of aunts, uncles & cousins. Today my mom made us the most unbelievable lunch - fettucini bolognese, garden salad & homemade bread! There is nothing like homemade bread fresh from the oven with real butter. so. good. Tonight we had dinner at one of our favorite Japanese hibachi restaurants with Cory's boss & coworkers (they are more good family friends than work colleagues). I finally got to meet the newest member of their family - Addison, just 6 weeks old! It has been a jam packed few days already & I know the next week and a half will go by so fast. We have so much planned -  a real tea party with my nieces, girls night sleepover, painting, gingerbread house contest, 2 more round trips to O'Hare, lunch dates with my nephew & his mom, the list goes on & on! I am so grateful to have all my loved ones near & my thoughts and heart have been mourning the loss of so many innocent lives in Connecticut on Friday. The world seems so cruel & unfair...I truly hope their families can find even a tiny bit of piece; I can't imagine the weight of their grief. A few days ago, I saw a quote on the Internet (though I have no idea who said it) - "You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at the store." Isn't that the truth. Sending love & light to all those in this world that need it.

olive & gray pins...

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fun with photo apps...

I love playing around with the camera on my iphone and using all the fun photo-editing apps that are available. This is a combination of afterglow and photo combine xmas. I love taking photos but lugging around my big DSLR just isn't always convenient...but my phone is never very far away! 

November Wrap-up...

We had a lovely Thanksgiving feast with my family. Above is the homemade cornucopia my mom made...looks like a photo from a magazine! We played a new game, hiked in the woods after our big meal & attempted to hang a huge wreath on the front of my mom's house using a scary tall ladder. It was far too windy & the wreath came crashing down. A few days later we were successful & the wreath is now in its rightful spot. My brother insisted my mom get a live tree this year...Cory & I always do so we were supportive of the idea. The hubs played bows & arrows in the woods with my older niece and nephew while my mom, sister and I decorated the tree with the little girls. 
Yesterday was my 33rd birthday; I celebrated with dinner at a Japanese restaurant with mama & the hubs. Tomorrow we'll pick out our Christmas tree & have a Starbucks treat: gingerbread latte for me, peppermint mocha for the mister. Sunday we will celebrate Thanksgiving #2 with the in-laws...hosting is the best motivation to get the house cleaned up & decorated! Work has been busy & I've felt so tired lately. I have 2 weeks left before I am required to take a month-long break. I have to admit I am looking forward to so much free time; a good reset to get me back on track & ready for a new year.

thankful pins...

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changing

Truth be told, I am dreading the holidays. For the last 15+ years, my parents have hosted both sides of our family for Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. My immediately family alone was 17 members strong! All together (and if everyone was there at the same time), we were looking at 55+ people! Before my parents hosted, we gathered at my grandparent's house...holidays were crazy being one of 20+ grandchildren! Last year, my parents announced it was their last time hosting the big family holiday. My dad was exhausted & I think they knew hosting it in 2012 would be out of the question. As big family gatherings go, ours had lasted a long time. I assume everyone involved saw this as the end of an era, because no one offered to host it elsewhere. For the other families (my aunts, uncles, cousins), it had probably become a bit of a chore - just one more place to go on days that were already filled-to-the brim busy. It was simply time for everyone to focus on their own already growing families. Life was just...changing.
My brothers & sisters and I cried that day when mom said the prayer over our meal; we realized so clearly in that moment that everything was changing. In addition to this being the first holiday season without my dad, it will also be the first time (in my life!) I will experience a small, intimate family gathering. No doubt it will be quiet & sad, that's unavoidable. I know it is important to go on: to bake & decorate for the holidays, to make new traditions, to play games, to watch our favorite holiday movies, even to really face the quiet emptiness we will all be feeling. I'm looking forward to spending time with my mom & sister while she is home from DC and I am on a break from work. But I am already dreading how much we'll be missing my dad....his wild competitive streak with card playing, ping-pong & pool, him sneaking into the kitchen to sample all the yummy food, the cream puffs he bakes every year from an old family recipe, watching It's a Wonderful Life and White Christmas with him.
Thanksgiving is only days away. I can't believe how quickly the past 2 months have passed. I still break into tears suddenly. I still have regrets - did I tell him all the things I wanted him to know? There are many questions I never asked, never found the right moment for even knowing time was growing short. During one of the days toward the end, I held his right hand for a long time praying to feel a squeeze. I was so jumbled & tired I had forgotten he had lost all ability on that side. Finally I took his left hand and felt him ever so gently, so faintly squeeze my hand. Even now I feel a wave of sadness for all that lost time I spent holding the wrong hand! I know our grief will lessen with time, but no one in my family will ever really be the same. Witnessing a loved one suffer and pass away changes you.

Helping Hands...

With the winter season looming, the people of the East coast affected by Sandy continue to face unimaginable destruction & loss. I came across this video on one of my favorite blogs & felt compelled to share...I am not Mormon, but it is so heartwarming to see a group of people doing something good for others from the heart & being inclusive of volunteers from other faiths.

perpetual list-maker...

• laughing at the funny photo above of my brother with our niece Avry, who is throwing one helluva hairy eyeball his way ha-ha!
• super excited & happy that my sister got engaged yesterday!!! couldn't ask for a better future brother-in-law; they are just the perfect couple! ♥ & miss them like crazy!
• planning a movie date with my mom: Gosford Park with an English tea! (my mom visited me when I studied in London & we had afternoon tea at Harrod's, such a fun memory ♥ we love our British TV...Downton Abbey, Sherlock, etc.)
• loving Instagram like crazy! Some of my favorite feeds: Lisa Congdon, Dana Willard, Ashley Goldberg, Danni Remender, Rachel Denbow(Smile & Wave), Elsie Larson, & many more...! 
• learning new (much-needed) techniques for dealing with stress
• baking pumpkin spice sugar cookies
• my nightly ritual of making Sleepytime Extra with wildflower honey 
• breaking out the down comforter to stay cozy as the cold weather moves in
• planning our Thanksgiving meal & reflecting on how different this year will be...
• having my first dreams of my dad since he passed away...happy he was his healthy, busy self in them; the hubs told me it was just dad checking in on me :)
• watching Lady & the Tramp ('cause I needed something light) then going out for spaghetti & meatballs for our anniversary dinner the next night :)

rainbow pins...

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a birthday wish...

Happy Birthday Papa Doc....we miss you more than words can say. As we were putting on our fake mustaches tonight for the Cowboy Cookout, Treyton asked me about you. I wish I knew the right thing to say. Addie loves to open up the lockets that Mom, Erin, Molly & I wear with your photos inside. Ben is getting so big & looks so much like you did when you were a baby! Mom made her amazing calico beans and I made potatoes au gratin for dinner - you would have loved them :) And of course we had your favorite, German chocolate cake! We watched Big Bang Theory, which will always make me think of you. The leaves are changing color and we've had a few chilly days...only a few more weeks until Avry turns 2! She is talking up a storm & can be a bit of a brute :) I wish we had even just 1 more birthday to spend with you. I try to understand that it was your time but I am so selfish & I want you here. We try not to imagine the world without the people we love because it is too painful, but now it is happening and we all feel a little lost...so my wish on your birthday is this: please watch over all of us as we navigate this world without you.
Love you, Sarah Bear

pins of black & white....

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perpetual list-maker: autumn edition

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enjoying crisper cooler weather, sweatshirts & warm drinks

making the first big batch of soup for the season

re-watching season 1 of American Horror Story 

planning fun home decorating & organizing projects

carving out time to get current on Project Life (so, so behind)

compiling a list of my favorite spooky movies to enjoy in October

daydreaming about autumn baking & craft projects

brainstorming about new routines & lifestyle changes

digging into my reading list & piles of unread books 

making the best turkey melt w/raspberry jam & pepperjack cheese - YUM!

considering giving crochet another go-round

anticipating pumpkins & apples, hot cocoa and changing leaves

heading out of town for a friend's wedding this weekend

missing my dad...

There was a very nice article in the newspaper about my father yesterday. It made me happy...but it also made me cry. At work. At my desk. In the bathroom. In the car on the ride home from work. I am so very sad. I miss him so much. I feel heavy with sadness. I cannot cry enough to get all the pain & heartache out of my body. The world just doesn't feel right.

Happy Birthday Molly, Erin & Nick!

On this day 29 years ago, I became big sister to the 3 yahoos pictured above. My parents were worried I would be an only child, so they gave me 3 siblings at once! Growing up, I never imagined that these kids would become my best friends in the world. I am so grateful to my parents for giving me this gift: Molly, Erin and Nick (and of course my little brother Michael, too)! I cannot fathom how I would have gotten through the last few days, weeks & months without them. I know they will probably always associate their birthday with the passing of our father (1 week ago today), but I hope that as years go by it won't sting quite so much. I can't say enough about how lucky I am to call myself their sister. Happy Birthday Molly, Erin & Nick! :)

the pinning continues...

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peace & rest....

I have been trying to figure out what to write about what has been happening in my world lately. I suppose it's just best to tell it like it is: my father passed away on Tuesday, September 11th after an 18-month battle with brain cancer. I feel as if I have been living out a bad dream that I cannot wake from. We witnessed his rapid physical deterioration and his final breath; I am so grateful we were able to be with him, one of us by his side every single hour of his last days.
I miss him so much & can hardly comprehend the fact that he is gone. I have never seen such patience, devotion & love like my mother showed him. My mom is strong and amazing. She just kept going, a rock, stoic. My brother lifted him from chair to wheelchair to bed every night until he was no longer able to get out of bed. My sisters & I spent hours with him even though he could no longer acknowledge our presence.
We made every effort to help him feel comfortable & surrounded by love. We cried. We moved back into our childhood bedrooms. We barely slept. We worked from home. We worked half days & spent afternoons running errands: picking up prescriptions, shopping & cooking whatever sounded good to him. We talked and spent time with each other as well as with him, more time than we had in years. We all pitched in to help with chores like cleaning the house, laundry, taking deliveries & phone calls, chatting with visitors stopping in. Mostly though, we didn't know what to do with ourselves.
The days following are mostly a blur. A roller coaster of emotions, mainly unbearable sadness paired with exhaustion. Over 500 people came to his visitation on Thursday evening. Our feet ached. The next day was his funeral service. It was beautiful, but very sad. It felt entirely surreal and utterly definite, all at once.
My 3-year old niece came to visit on Saturday and asked my mom, "Where is Pawpaw?" My dear mother answered "Well, he went to heaven." To which Addie replied "I want to see him." Mimi's eyes glistened with tears as she answered "Me too, me too."
Our hearts are heavy. Sleep is needed, but hard to come by. Morning brings a flood of realization: nothing will ever be the same. His birthday is next month. He would have been 58. We feel such a tremendous loss. Even though we knew his illness would eventually take him away from us, we never imagined it would be so soon or so swift. I hope he was able to feel how much we loved him, how blessed we felt to have him as our father, how much the community respected him, and that we will never, ever forget him. I hope he is at rest, in peace. We are missing him just terribly.

just keep pinning...

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simple pleasures...

 

A gray, rainy & under the weather day calls for a Mad Men marathon with a side of Shirley Temples.

[These are great as adult cocktails with Grey Goose Cherry Noir vodka!]

farewell to my ride...

 

Over the lunch hour today, we delivered/signed over the car to her new owners! Cory has one semester left (at the same University I work for) so becoming a single vehicle family makes sense for us right now. We know it will be inconvenient at times, but the savings & financial security are worth it! We celebrated with phone upgrades (we are now official iPhone users!). When we decided to sell the car, I worried we would never find a buyer....but it sold in less than 1 month! I will miss the Matrix but I know it is just a car and eventually we will buy a replacement. In the meantime, I will enjoy my new toy phone! :)