a birthday wish...

Happy Birthday Papa Doc....we miss you more than words can say. As we were putting on our fake mustaches tonight for the Cowboy Cookout, Treyton asked me about you. I wish I knew the right thing to say. Addie loves to open up the lockets that Mom, Erin, Molly & I wear with your photos inside. Ben is getting so big & looks so much like you did when you were a baby! Mom made her amazing calico beans and I made potatoes au gratin for dinner - you would have loved them :) And of course we had your favorite, German chocolate cake! We watched Big Bang Theory, which will always make me think of you. The leaves are changing color and we've had a few chilly days...only a few more weeks until Avry turns 2! She is talking up a storm & can be a bit of a brute :) I wish we had even just 1 more birthday to spend with you. I try to understand that it was your time but I am so selfish & I want you here. We try not to imagine the world without the people we love because it is too painful, but now it is happening and we all feel a little lost...so my wish on your birthday is this: please watch over all of us as we navigate this world without you.
Love you, Sarah Bear

pins of black & white....

                                                           Source: realsimple.com via Sarah on Pinterest

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perpetual list-maker: autumn edition

                                                             Source: miss-design.com via Sarah on Pinterest

enjoying crisper cooler weather, sweatshirts & warm drinks

making the first big batch of soup for the season

re-watching season 1 of American Horror Story 

planning fun home decorating & organizing projects

carving out time to get current on Project Life (so, so behind)

compiling a list of my favorite spooky movies to enjoy in October

daydreaming about autumn baking & craft projects

brainstorming about new routines & lifestyle changes

digging into my reading list & piles of unread books 

making the best turkey melt w/raspberry jam & pepperjack cheese - YUM!

considering giving crochet another go-round

anticipating pumpkins & apples, hot cocoa and changing leaves

heading out of town for a friend's wedding this weekend

missing my dad...

There was a very nice article in the newspaper about my father yesterday. It made me happy...but it also made me cry. At work. At my desk. In the bathroom. In the car on the ride home from work. I am so very sad. I miss him so much. I feel heavy with sadness. I cannot cry enough to get all the pain & heartache out of my body. The world just doesn't feel right.

Happy Birthday Molly, Erin & Nick!

On this day 29 years ago, I became big sister to the 3 yahoos pictured above. My parents were worried I would be an only child, so they gave me 3 siblings at once! Growing up, I never imagined that these kids would become my best friends in the world. I am so grateful to my parents for giving me this gift: Molly, Erin and Nick (and of course my little brother Michael, too)! I cannot fathom how I would have gotten through the last few days, weeks & months without them. I know they will probably always associate their birthday with the passing of our father (1 week ago today), but I hope that as years go by it won't sting quite so much. I can't say enough about how lucky I am to call myself their sister. Happy Birthday Molly, Erin & Nick! :)

the pinning continues...

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peace & rest....

I have been trying to figure out what to write about what has been happening in my world lately. I suppose it's just best to tell it like it is: my father passed away on Tuesday, September 11th after an 18-month battle with brain cancer. I feel as if I have been living out a bad dream that I cannot wake from. We witnessed his rapid physical deterioration and his final breath; I am so grateful we were able to be with him, one of us by his side every single hour of his last days.
I miss him so much & can hardly comprehend the fact that he is gone. I have never seen such patience, devotion & love like my mother showed him. My mom is strong and amazing. She just kept going, a rock, stoic. My brother lifted him from chair to wheelchair to bed every night until he was no longer able to get out of bed. My sisters & I spent hours with him even though he could no longer acknowledge our presence.
We made every effort to help him feel comfortable & surrounded by love. We cried. We moved back into our childhood bedrooms. We barely slept. We worked from home. We worked half days & spent afternoons running errands: picking up prescriptions, shopping & cooking whatever sounded good to him. We talked and spent time with each other as well as with him, more time than we had in years. We all pitched in to help with chores like cleaning the house, laundry, taking deliveries & phone calls, chatting with visitors stopping in. Mostly though, we didn't know what to do with ourselves.
The days following are mostly a blur. A roller coaster of emotions, mainly unbearable sadness paired with exhaustion. Over 500 people came to his visitation on Thursday evening. Our feet ached. The next day was his funeral service. It was beautiful, but very sad. It felt entirely surreal and utterly definite, all at once.
My 3-year old niece came to visit on Saturday and asked my mom, "Where is Pawpaw?" My dear mother answered "Well, he went to heaven." To which Addie replied "I want to see him." Mimi's eyes glistened with tears as she answered "Me too, me too."
Our hearts are heavy. Sleep is needed, but hard to come by. Morning brings a flood of realization: nothing will ever be the same. His birthday is next month. He would have been 58. We feel such a tremendous loss. Even though we knew his illness would eventually take him away from us, we never imagined it would be so soon or so swift. I hope he was able to feel how much we loved him, how blessed we felt to have him as our father, how much the community respected him, and that we will never, ever forget him. I hope he is at rest, in peace. We are missing him just terribly.

just keep pinning...

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simple pleasures...

 

A gray, rainy & under the weather day calls for a Mad Men marathon with a side of Shirley Temples.

[These are great as adult cocktails with Grey Goose Cherry Noir vodka!]

farewell to my ride...

 

Over the lunch hour today, we delivered/signed over the car to her new owners! Cory has one semester left (at the same University I work for) so becoming a single vehicle family makes sense for us right now. We know it will be inconvenient at times, but the savings & financial security are worth it! We celebrated with phone upgrades (we are now official iPhone users!). When we decided to sell the car, I worried we would never find a buyer....but it sold in less than 1 month! I will miss the Matrix but I know it is just a car and eventually we will buy a replacement. In the meantime, I will enjoy my new toy phone! :)