holiday break & random thoughts...

photo source

My holiday break has begun! On Friday night, we drove to O'Hare Airport in Chicago to pick up my sister who flew in from D.C. Yesterday we celebrated my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary (amazing!!!) with lots of aunts, uncles & cousins. Today my mom made us the most unbelievable lunch - fettucini bolognese, garden salad & homemade bread! There is nothing like homemade bread fresh from the oven with real butter. so. good. Tonight we had dinner at one of our favorite Japanese hibachi restaurants with Cory's boss & coworkers (they are more good family friends than work colleagues). I finally got to meet the newest member of their family - Addison, just 6 weeks old! It has been a jam packed few days already & I know the next week and a half will go by so fast. We have so much planned -  a real tea party with my nieces, girls night sleepover, painting, gingerbread house contest, 2 more round trips to O'Hare, lunch dates with my nephew & his mom, the list goes on & on! I am so grateful to have all my loved ones near & my thoughts and heart have been mourning the loss of so many innocent lives in Connecticut on Friday. The world seems so cruel & unfair...I truly hope their families can find even a tiny bit of piece; I can't imagine the weight of their grief. A few days ago, I saw a quote on the Internet (though I have no idea who said it) - "You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at the store." Isn't that the truth. Sending love & light to all those in this world that need it.

olive & gray pins...

                                            Source: danamadeit.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                          Source: abeautifulmess.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                            Source: etsy.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                              Source: bakeat350.blogspot.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                          Source: aliedwards.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                             Source: zsazsabellagio.blogspot.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                                         Source: exp.lore.com via Sarah on Pinterest

fun with photo apps...

I love playing around with the camera on my iphone and using all the fun photo-editing apps that are available. This is a combination of afterglow and photo combine xmas. I love taking photos but lugging around my big DSLR just isn't always convenient...but my phone is never very far away! 

November Wrap-up...

We had a lovely Thanksgiving feast with my family. Above is the homemade cornucopia my mom made...looks like a photo from a magazine! We played a new game, hiked in the woods after our big meal & attempted to hang a huge wreath on the front of my mom's house using a scary tall ladder. It was far too windy & the wreath came crashing down. A few days later we were successful & the wreath is now in its rightful spot. My brother insisted my mom get a live tree this year...Cory & I always do so we were supportive of the idea. The hubs played bows & arrows in the woods with my older niece and nephew while my mom, sister and I decorated the tree with the little girls. 
Yesterday was my 33rd birthday; I celebrated with dinner at a Japanese restaurant with mama & the hubs. Tomorrow we'll pick out our Christmas tree & have a Starbucks treat: gingerbread latte for me, peppermint mocha for the mister. Sunday we will celebrate Thanksgiving #2 with the in-laws...hosting is the best motivation to get the house cleaned up & decorated! Work has been busy & I've felt so tired lately. I have 2 weeks left before I am required to take a month-long break. I have to admit I am looking forward to so much free time; a good reset to get me back on track & ready for a new year.

thankful pins...

                                                           Source: intoxicology.net via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                                                    

                                                               Source: modcloth.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                         Source: sweetpeaskitchen.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                       

                                                            Source: apartmenttherapy.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                           Source: annies-eats.net via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                                Source: artywords.tumblr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

changing

Truth be told, I am dreading the holidays. For the last 15+ years, my parents have hosted both sides of our family for Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. My immediately family alone was 17 members strong! All together (and if everyone was there at the same time), we were looking at 55+ people! Before my parents hosted, we gathered at my grandparent's house...holidays were crazy being one of 20+ grandchildren! Last year, my parents announced it was their last time hosting the big family holiday. My dad was exhausted & I think they knew hosting it in 2012 would be out of the question. As big family gatherings go, ours had lasted a long time. I assume everyone involved saw this as the end of an era, because no one offered to host it elsewhere. For the other families (my aunts, uncles, cousins), it had probably become a bit of a chore - just one more place to go on days that were already filled-to-the brim busy. It was simply time for everyone to focus on their own already growing families. Life was just...changing.
My brothers & sisters and I cried that day when mom said the prayer over our meal; we realized so clearly in that moment that everything was changing. In addition to this being the first holiday season without my dad, it will also be the first time (in my life!) I will experience a small, intimate family gathering. No doubt it will be quiet & sad, that's unavoidable. I know it is important to go on: to bake & decorate for the holidays, to make new traditions, to play games, to watch our favorite holiday movies, even to really face the quiet emptiness we will all be feeling. I'm looking forward to spending time with my mom & sister while she is home from DC and I am on a break from work. But I am already dreading how much we'll be missing my dad....his wild competitive streak with card playing, ping-pong & pool, him sneaking into the kitchen to sample all the yummy food, the cream puffs he bakes every year from an old family recipe, watching It's a Wonderful Life and White Christmas with him.
Thanksgiving is only days away. I can't believe how quickly the past 2 months have passed. I still break into tears suddenly. I still have regrets - did I tell him all the things I wanted him to know? There are many questions I never asked, never found the right moment for even knowing time was growing short. During one of the days toward the end, I held his right hand for a long time praying to feel a squeeze. I was so jumbled & tired I had forgotten he had lost all ability on that side. Finally I took his left hand and felt him ever so gently, so faintly squeeze my hand. Even now I feel a wave of sadness for all that lost time I spent holding the wrong hand! I know our grief will lessen with time, but no one in my family will ever really be the same. Witnessing a loved one suffer and pass away changes you.

Helping Hands...

With the winter season looming, the people of the East coast affected by Sandy continue to face unimaginable destruction & loss. I came across this video on one of my favorite blogs & felt compelled to share...I am not Mormon, but it is so heartwarming to see a group of people doing something good for others from the heart & being inclusive of volunteers from other faiths.

perpetual list-maker...

• laughing at the funny photo above of my brother with our niece Avry, who is throwing one helluva hairy eyeball his way ha-ha!
• super excited & happy that my sister got engaged yesterday!!! couldn't ask for a better future brother-in-law; they are just the perfect couple! ♥ & miss them like crazy!
• planning a movie date with my mom: Gosford Park with an English tea! (my mom visited me when I studied in London & we had afternoon tea at Harrod's, such a fun memory ♥ we love our British TV...Downton Abbey, Sherlock, etc.)
• loving Instagram like crazy! Some of my favorite feeds: Lisa Congdon, Dana Willard, Ashley Goldberg, Danni Remender, Rachel Denbow(Smile & Wave), Elsie Larson, & many more...! 
• learning new (much-needed) techniques for dealing with stress
• baking pumpkin spice sugar cookies
• my nightly ritual of making Sleepytime Extra with wildflower honey 
• breaking out the down comforter to stay cozy as the cold weather moves in
• planning our Thanksgiving meal & reflecting on how different this year will be...
• having my first dreams of my dad since he passed away...happy he was his healthy, busy self in them; the hubs told me it was just dad checking in on me :)
• watching Lady & the Tramp ('cause I needed something light) then going out for spaghetti & meatballs for our anniversary dinner the next night :)

rainbow pins...

                                                                 Source: etsy.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                    Source: spoonforkbacon.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                   Source: penniesonaplatter.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                              Source: urbanoutfitters.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                              Source: ohhappyday.com via Sarah on Pinterest

                                                                  Source: flickr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

a birthday wish...

Happy Birthday Papa Doc....we miss you more than words can say. As we were putting on our fake mustaches tonight for the Cowboy Cookout, Treyton asked me about you. I wish I knew the right thing to say. Addie loves to open up the lockets that Mom, Erin, Molly & I wear with your photos inside. Ben is getting so big & looks so much like you did when you were a baby! Mom made her amazing calico beans and I made potatoes au gratin for dinner - you would have loved them :) And of course we had your favorite, German chocolate cake! We watched Big Bang Theory, which will always make me think of you. The leaves are changing color and we've had a few chilly days...only a few more weeks until Avry turns 2! She is talking up a storm & can be a bit of a brute :) I wish we had even just 1 more birthday to spend with you. I try to understand that it was your time but I am so selfish & I want you here. We try not to imagine the world without the people we love because it is too painful, but now it is happening and we all feel a little lost...so my wish on your birthday is this: please watch over all of us as we navigate this world without you.
Love you, Sarah Bear